notes on insomnia...

"i never sleep/
'cause sleep is the cousin of death/"
-nasir jones

so, i spent most of yesterday eating, smoking, and watching nightmare on elm street parts 1-4. midway through part three, i realized that i had probably watched these films when i was well under ten years old; and while they aren't very scary right now, they were then. scared me shitless. i wonder if that's when i decided sleep was a bad thing...

What, if any, is a normal bedtime? I've no concept of that What so ever. For me its always based on What time I need to be where the next day, or what's going on that night. Thankfully, these days I usually force in 3 or 4 hours a night, as opposed to the old days when I only tried to fall asleep 4 nights out of 7. Looking back, the insomnia was really the start of everything. It puts u out of the loop, makes you an outsider; during the day u feel too tired, at night your too awake. I'd probably be a well adjusted fat doctor somewhere right now if I had ever learned to sleep properly. But I didn't, so I got used to feeling half dead to the world, and being the only one conscious. A friend advised me today that I should stop this blog, said I was putting my business out there. And its true,I do worry sometimes about the judgments people make based on my writing. But What else do I do when my brain won't be quite, and no one will answer the phone? besides, those who would think ill of me have been asleep since 10, and have therefore never even glimpsed this world I live in. You can only drink or smoke yourself to sleep for so long, the insomnia wins in the end. For me, Drinking worked for like 10 months, smoking, like 10 years. But here we are again. So I'm writing. It helps; releases tension. It may be what keeps me from finally going apeshit tomorrow, or the next day. Who can say?

I'd compare it to meditation, and while, yes, it is an ass backward way to go about it, its all I got. And if your bored enough to shit here and read it, then try to judge me for it, instead of trying to straighten out your own fucked up life(which I assume it probably is or you wouldn't be judging), then that's exactly what you deserve. Frankly, I don't think I give a fuck. We all deal with life on our own terms. "comfortably numb" seems like it should be an oxymoron, but no more than "goodbye". and at least its an accurate description 90% of the time. case in point: i opened up for killah priest this Friday. should have been a dream come true. i remember sitting in the dorm room and bumping heavy mental loud enough to make the neighbors complain, in awe. in between my eye sockets is where i build my skyrockets.....shit like that. seemed to me then that surely he must know some secret, have some clue. but when i met him all i saw was another man trying to figure shit out, same as me. who drank a little too much before the show and forgot a few lyrics. just like me. by the end i found myself sitting in the vip/bathroom, just wanting to be left alone for a minute, ready to punch the next dick who stepped on my new sb dunks. but i wasn't angry, sad, disappointed, or anything like that. just numb. just over it. how i would have loved to be able to go home and pass out when it was all over, its almost three in the morning, but I'm so far in my head that i don't know how i feel. not sleepy, hungry, or excited. just numb. it s not all bad though. there's that other 10% to account for; so shortly after i got the best text message ever, in terms of origin and context, and for an hour or two i cared about the world. later, she'd have the nerve to say that I'm too nice, that i make her feel bad when i do things for her. buts shes the one running around wielding the philosopher's stone all willy nilly like. how should you react when someone transforms stone to flesh again?