wow. what a weekend.
i once again find myself back in the "real world", where the answer to every question is 59.95 or 27.25. my own personal answers are becoming harder and harder to decode though, and being answered in riddles is almost as bad as not being answered at all. in the previous four days Ive had a wisdom tooth pulled out, none too gracefully at that, lost myself for a day in a Tylenol 3 coma, screamed at a clerk in magnolia discount for accusing me of stealing vitamin water when i had four hundred dollars in my pocket, saw two of my musical idols in concert on the same night [rakim Allah and Saul Williams!!!], flirted then made out with disaster and loved it, ate a bunch of shrooms and ran around mid city trying to buy sneakers, got drunk enough on Frenchman to go home and be in bed by one o'clock, and all in time to do absolutely nothing but sulk on Sunday. Ive also discovered that at least five people actually read about these so called adventures in my life, which i find both flattering and disturbing at the same time. i mean, i guess yeah i want people to read, or i wouldn't write, only writing is no more a choice for me than making music. its just another thing that i have to do to feel right, like making sure my socks match and my shoes and underwear are coordinated. i know its fucking crazy, but its all i got sometimes. looking back on everything with an audience in mind though, this all seems like a bunch of crazy shit, and i see that Ive done a piss poor job of explaining the motivations behind the hallucinogen experiments.
first of all, let me say that the world at large hasn't made sense to me in a long time. a real long time. i believe it was 1988. let me also say, that i have in fact tried several other methods of discovery over the years, and none of them made any sense to me either. Catholicism, black nationalism, rastafarianism, quantum physics, Santeria, philosophy......they all left something out, all had something missing. in the end, its a unified field theory that I'm after, in a spiritual and and subatomic particle sense. what an ego i must secretly have, to think i can achieve what some of the greatest minds of the ages have not. but surely, regardless of any past failures, such is the only real question worth answering, because if your not pondering the true nature of reality then what are you doing? the flaw in Einstein's quest, and most of the rest, at least in my mind, was his failure to include a divine element in his theories; the fear of mixing spirituality and science. that and the fact that none of them did enough dope. but after ten years and an estimated 10,920 blunts, marijuana has become as mundane as everything else in the world.
i needed something new, but Ive never been stupid. you don't need to stick your hand in boiling water to know its hot, and i didn't need to try crack, or coke, or heroin, or anything like that to know they would yield no answers, only the illusion of escape. i was trying to confront. and so, one warm summer night in June i dove head first into the world of hallucinogens. the rest, as they say, is history. and yes, i have found answers, the hard part is bringing them back onto the other side, and then making sense of them once again once your here. some are more straightforward than others. time is relative, space infinite, matter an illusion; but i have no idea what part buying Cadillacs and orange sneakers play in the unified theory. I'm still working on that. and to folks with only a passing familiarity with my situation, folks who haven't seen me on a daily basis in the last ten years, who don't do dope, who don't ask themselves these kinds of questions, I'm sure it all still sounds fucking crazy. so fine, maybe i am, but i think that means I'm lucky. to quote bukowski, "some people never go crazy. what truly horrible lives they must lead."
and for the record, if one day i should wake up and decide that i don't care to feign interest in this world anymore, if i decide that i want to climb a fuckin' tree and stay there for the rest of my days, it wont be the shrooms, mescaline, weed, LSD, acid, or anything else like that, which pushes me over the edge. it'll be 40 hours a week of mindless work, filled with people who see me only as a way to fulfill their needs. it will be paying for water that should be free and renting land that no one really owns. and feeling like I'm the only person with enough sense to be outraged by it all.
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